4 days ago6 days ago
PETERSON AFB, Colo. — Since its inception in December 2019, Space Force stolen valor cases are on the climb. Rather than addressing the crisis, however, Space Force leaders kept with their customs as the newest military branch and took an unconventional stance, using the problem to rip the U.S. Coast Guard.
“Of course, we don’t condone stealing valor,” commented one high-ranking Space Force Official. “But if you are gonna steal someone’s valor, we most certainly won’t stop you if you are stealing ours.”
Numbers of stolen valor cases took a significant spike when Netflix released its military-inspired show Space Force to its streaming service back in May.
One report detailed a teenager wearing moonboots and flashing his middle school space camp ID at Starbucks for a discount.
“I was very surprised to find out that this customer was not in the military,” noted the barista. “He looked like most of the half-drunk soldiers from Fort Carson, so we were completely fooled.”
Another report detailed a valor-stealer trying to get a Home Depot discount. Wearing only OCPs and claiming to be on “moon leave,” the man insisted that he needed a discount to buy gear as he was preparing for his second shuttle deployment to fight Space ISIS.
“We knew he was a fraud from the start” noted the prior-enlisted store manager. “There is no way the military would ever buy brand new gear and go out of their way to get a discount.”
“I smelled bullshit from the beginning.”
Another impersonator took direct inspiration from the Netflix series and wore moonouflage to his weekly Flat-Earth meeting, claiming to have touched the firmament while TDY to the far side of the moon.
“While that Space Force show might be poking fun at our infantile new military branch, we have happily embraced this publicity,” a spokesman said. “Given our budget constraints, this is excellent recruiting material. You don’t see no series called Coast Guard now do you?”
A spokesmen from the Coast Guard muttered something about sticks and stones before making a sobbing sound and abruptly disconnecting.